When I was a kid and I heard the grown-ups talk about the perils of Black Friday, a chill would go up my spine. \”It\’s going to be MADNESS out there,\” my mother would warn my father. I really had no idea what the hell they were talking about. I imagined crazed barbarians and monsters out on the roads wreaking havoc and assailing the innocent.

Even after learning that Black Friday is just the day after Thanksgiving when the masses descend upon US retailers, I still pictured angry shoppers marauding through the stores fighting over the last Betsy Wetsy doll.

When I was 17, I decided I would face the demon and venture out into the infamous Black Friday retail landscape. While the parking situation left much to be desired, it was overall a pleasurable experience.

I must admit, I did see one scuffle over at KB Toys. It was the holiday season of one of the stupidest toys I have ever seen. The manager walked to the front of the store with a large unmarked cardboard box and dumped its contents onto the floor. BEHOLD SHOPPERS! It\’s FURBY!!! The talking Gizmo lookalike robot. It was like throwing a piece of bread into a pond. The 20-30 units were grabbed within seconds and at least one lady who didn\’t get one was in tears.

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J Edgar Hoover FBI Building

It was 1:06 PM when Agent Dana Sulky entered Fox Moldhair\’s dimly lit office. Torn newspaper clippings of unexplained phenomenon and amateur photos of unidentified flying objects covered the walls. Mouldhair was examining a website and furiously scribbling on his notepad.

\”I got your message Moldhair. What\’s up?\” asked Sulky.

Before he could reply, Moldhair\’s train of thought was captivated by his repressed desire for his partner. He began imagining the red haired woman in front of him rubbing lotion on her skin after a hot bath and… (err wait… That was Red Shoe Diaries. Wrong Duchovny show.)

\”I just met with our favorite watchdog trio. They\’re investigating reports of an eBay PowerSeller conspiracy. I think they\’ve stumbled across something big, Sulky. The whole system is a lie. Ebay sellers are being taught to do it all wrong.\”

A \”here we go again\” look came over Sulky\’s face. \”Is there any empirical evidence to support that claim?\”

\”It\’s only a theory at this point. But I think this warrants further investigation.\”

\”Mouldhair, I don\’t know how you can think anything they say is even remotely plausible. We can\’t go chasing after every tip you get from a group of socially maladjusted paranoid weirdos operating out of a minibus. And the blonde one really gives me the creeps. He reminds me of Garth from Wayne\’s World.\”

\”There\’s something here Sulky… I just know information is being withheld from people looking to quit their day jobs and make big cash on eBay. And the Cigarette Smoking eBay Conspirator Man is behind it. First Kennedy! Then MLK! Watergate! Now eBay… Where does it end?\” he shouted.

Sulky knew that there was no stopping her partner. Resigned to participate in another unauthorized investigation, she asked, \”Where could we even begin? We\’d have to do this quietly. You know there\’s nobody on eBay who we can trust.\”

\”There is one man on eBay who has never deceived me. His name is Jeff Dean.

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• A glorious cleavage shot on the cover page
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