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Support Minion Saturday! Contest #1
September 15, 2007Good day, DealDotCommers! Today is Saturday, and as such is a day of rest for most people. However, because we’re treated like the minions we are by the Big Kahunas here at DDC, we have to work.
As many of you know, we Support Minions are tasked with manning the helpdesk, assisting DDC members, testing new website features, getting Marc’s coffee, and, most importantly, responding to emails.
Now, normally we’re happy-go-lucky, easy going Minions, but sometimes we get so many emails that we’re simply overwhelmed.
That’s where YOU come in. What we’ve got here is a vicious hate mail that we simply don’t have the time to respond to, which leads us to
Support Minion Saturday! - Contest #1
It’s Saturday, and it’s your turn to play Support Minion!
Below, you’ll find an actual email we received at the DealDotCom help desk. Write a reply to this email, with plenty of DealDotCom style, and post it as a comment here.
We Support Minions will review all the entries, and select the best one. The winner gets to be an Honorary Support Minion and receives a $50 DealDotCom gift certificate, good for $50 off any DealDotCom deal of the day. Entries will be accepted all day Saturday, and the winner will be selected on Sunday.
Now, without further ado, here’s the email you’ll be writing a response to:
> To Whom It May Concern:
>
> “for much less than the little people buy them for.”
>
> This is very demeaning to all persons. Though I’m NOT a little person
> in any way shape or form, I fight discrimination wherever I find it. And
> that statement is very discriminating. I would never join anything that
> referred to any person as a little person meaning those more unfortunate
> than myself.
>
> Besides that, I can’t make heads or tails about your mission.
>
> Please take [address removed] off ALL your mailing
> lists.
>
> I am very offender by your language about people.
>
There you have it - now is your chance to shine! Show us how YOU would reply to this email if you were a Support Minion, and earn the love and admiration of the entire Support Minion staff!
read users' comments (29)
29 Responses to “Support Minion Saturday! Contest #1”
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September 15th, 2007 at 6:40 am
Dear ‘To whom it may concern’,
You say you fight discrimination against all those less fortunate than yourself and refer to them as of course meaning ‘little people’-HA… as a proud member of ‘the little people’ you so roundly condemn, I poke my nose at you! Its people like YOU who mock me being only eighteen inches tall,( I am considered pretty BIG in
the circles I live in), or wearing Emerald-green clothe’s 24+7; and would YOU give a helping hand lugging pot’s of Gold around-I think not, (hernias are rife in my home-town). Just remember, we know where YOU
live-so watch it !
September 15th, 2007 at 11:03 am
Oh My-omy,
so much concerned about us little people, hey?
You don’t know then our powers and the treasures we hide from your greedy and envious eyes, you violent folks who have just so often a poor and ‘little understanding’ of the really valuable treasures of our beautiful world.-
Let us tell you there are countries and wonderful Icelands in the seas where streets are built around the stones under which we live and hide from the light of the day or where bridges are constructed at another bending of a stream where as the wise olde ones know we meet in moonlit nights.
Be invited to come to our Icelands where we’ll be waiting to show you some of our secrets IF you are ready to find the answers to three questions we the little folk will put in front of you.
The first answer is hidden here (go get the question to it now) under:
http://www.everybodygoto.com/
September 15th, 2007 at 11:36 am
Dear Offended,
As the customer is always right, we have removed you from our email list.
It was very BIG of you to complain for the rights of others when you could just have unsubscribed. It not like you ever bought anything anyway.
September 15th, 2007 at 11:38 am
We have looked high and low To Whom It May Concern, and we have failed utterly to discover anyone else among all the people, big, medium and little, who were, are or can imagine why, you were offender…(to use your exact language “I am very offender by your language about people.”).
“for much less than the little people buy them for.” is merely a fig-newton of speech (or in this case, typing), offender.
It is, incidentally, not at all clear why, in your haste, you chose the following phrase: “…that statement is very discriminating…” in the context of the paragraph it occupies.
We could understand if you had said, rather, “…that statement is very discriminatORY…”. However, had you made that scurrilous allegation, we would, of necessity, have had to refer your comments to our legal department for possible action in civil court.
If the offer to become a member of our affiliate program seems ill-suited to your current situation, all that is necessary is for you to demur. All of this holier-than-thou attitude smacks a tad too much of excessive protestation over a percieved tea-cup tempest.
We suggest a good hit of Xanax.
All the very best in your future endeavors, whatever they may be.
Support
September 15th, 2007 at 11:48 am
Hahahahaha!
Hahahahahahahahaha!
STOP!
You said “I am very offender by your language about people.”
Well then you should be arrested!
All “offenders” of the english language are banned at DealDotCom.
You also said “I fight discrimination wherever I find it.”
It appears to us you a very violent person, and we will have none of that around here!
Furthermore, if you can’t find your head or tail, you would likely never benefit from our line of products.
Have a nice day.
Your loving support team.
September 15th, 2007 at 11:58 am
Dear gracious offended customer,
We apologize, but when we start typing over here - anything can happen. I think it might be the caffeine. For your satisfaction, we have fired the employee whose idea it was to use the “little people” remark. FYI, the employee in question is a single parent with 4 kids who is now 30 days away from being evicted from his/her apartment.
Do you know what its like to lose your job? I’m not talking about your gig at the carnival, I mean a real job?
We hope we have taken the appropriate action to accommodate a fellow customer, such as you, whose always looking for deals much less than the little people buy them for. Damnit! We did it again! Sorry! I can’t fire myself, so I’ll get something else to do it.
Regards,
DealDotCom Customer Service
September 15th, 2007 at 12:43 pm
Dear Customer Who Is Always Right, (bowing and walking out backwards)
I feel that some if not all of the letter writers have been a little harsh with their critisim of your attempt to get a point across. (lowering head so that customers head is always higher)
It’s quite possible that you didn’t realise how high esteem the little people were held and I consider that you made an honest mistake (going down revently on one knee). I suggest that if you ever go acorss the sea to Ireland, a quick peep at the bottom of any rainbow, or under most potplants behind the Irish pubs - there’s one on every corner- may give you an insight into the gravity of the situation you have inadvertantly created. (tugging forelock feverishly).
I remain,
Always at your Service,
The Little Green DealDotCom Man
September 15th, 2007 at 3:11 pm
RE:To Whom It May Concern
Oh, but you are wrong. You are a Little Person, mentally speaking that is and it would be hard for anyone to be more unfortunate than you. We do not discriminate, just state the facts!
The fact is that here at Deal.com are helping the people who can not afford to spend hundreds or thousands to purchase a product that we can procure for them at a discount, but through our program, they soon will! That is our mission!
Since you are very “offender” about our language, we will take you off of our list. We would not want to offend anyone who can not even spell correctly!
Sincerely,
The Little Deal.com Support Minions
September 15th, 2007 at 3:37 pm
Dear Offended and Confused:
Thank you so much for your insightful e-mail. We have quickly and effectively removed all traces of your e-mail address from depths of our databases. You’re welcome.
At first we were perplexed that one would take umbrage with our choice of colloquialisms, and then we read further and decided that it must merely be a lack of understanding on your part as to the mechanics of the English language. So we will type slowly as it will be easier to follow along.
In the words of Peter Stone “This is a revolution, damnit! We’re going to have to offend somebody!” I guess you were that “somebody.”
Our mission is to “Spread the Wealth”, “Stamp Out Poverty”, “Make Money” “Help you Make Money,” well not you, you were “offender” and asked to be removed from ALL of our future mailings. (Is withholding valuable information from those “less” fortunate than you discrimination? Hmm, we must ponder this further. I believe I am offender by that.)
In closing, we shall forever bar your address from ever being entered in our database again. No autoresponder shall grace your in-box. No offer of great wealth shall use one bit of memory on your hard drive. We are forever and irrecoverably severing all ties to your inbox.
Although, we would like to offer one parting bit of advice, read Joe Vitale’s new book, “Zero Limits.”
We Love You!
Your friendly Support Minion
September 15th, 2007 at 3:56 pm
Dear “Concerned”
We hope you are happy. No really, since you basically started the strike by all our “little people” (the ones that actually do the real work) we now are now unable to run dealdotcom. Although they didn’t know it before, we “overcharged” all our workers for the products we sell. But now that your email has been blasted over the company intranet, they know now they were getting the “short end of the stick”.
We only hired “little people” because as you are probably aware, we only sell digital product. Digital products weigh much less than real physical products so we really didn’t need full sized people to do the workload. Of course you don’t commend us on not wasting an average of 4.6 feet feet per worker or recognize that we help fulfill the work days of those less than complete humans that we so kindly employ.
But alas, we are used to not being appreciated as the oompa-loompas…sorry, they prefer to be called “little people” now, have decided to walk out on us and start a strike that is sure to affect business everywhere as more little people hear your words and are inspired to “rise up” against those that “keep them down”. We commend you for sticking up for the “little guy” and although it killed our business before it even started, we now see that even though it is more efficient to use less than full humans for small jobs, sometimes we “come up short” when looking at the “whole” picture. It may be too late for us but hopefully the rest of the world will learn from our “small oversight” and only use compete humans for their workforce.
Sincerely,
Former Managing Staff of DDC.
September 15th, 2007 at 3:59 pm
Umm…@adVance
Why did you link to my site? I’m trying to figure it out, but I just can’t!
September 15th, 2007 at 4:09 pm
Dear O&C,
Having conferred with my 8 esteemed minion partners, your affliction is painfully obvious. Your mind is so narrow your eyes are in one socket. “Little” people rule. Where would France be without Napolean, Taxi without Danny Davito. A lost tooth without the fairy. Many manufacturing facilities without the diminutive workers to operate the equipment because the jobs are below a “big” person. What size is an Angel?
So, one eye, you have been removed as you requested.
Your (when friendly doesn’t seem appropiate) Support Minion
September 15th, 2007 at 4:29 pm
Dear Offender
Are you Bill Gates? No, then we refer to all our other customers besides Bill as little people. Bill prefers to be distinguished this way and we do not want to mess up our outstanding relationship with him in anyway.
If you are related to Bill in any way then we may refer to you as “potentially a big person”, “knows big kahuna” or my personal favorite “little Bill”.
We appreciate you taking the time to contact us!
DealDotCom
P.S. We really don’t know Bill Gates nor is he a customer of ours. If you know Bill please tell him to contact as immediately as we would love to work for him I mean with him. Please tell him that besides our Deal of the day we also have employee’s that are willing to take out his garbage, sort his recycling or even tune up his car.
September 15th, 2007 at 5:41 pm
Dear Offended Customer,
We’re very sorry that this statement offended you. That was not our
intention by any means. User satisfaction means the world to us,
and we value you as as a visitor of our site.
This statement has been removed, and I thank you for bringing it to
our attention.
We have updated the website to reflect the changes, and invite you
to see it here: http://DealDotCom.com
Please let me know specific questions you have, and I’ll be happy
to help you today.
Thank you!
Jimmy Lastname
Customer Support Manager
DealDotCom.com
********************
Hey gang,
My view is obviously in the minority….but just the same.
You never know who this person is, or how it can affect
your business in the long run.
You have a make or break situation, that “could” lead to
years of sales, referrals, and word of mouth advertising.
Or you can tell the visitor in one way or another to
kiss your a** , and NOT ONLY lose them as a customer
forever, but you may also create an AVALANCHE of
BAD press when this person tells their friends what
DDC, or YOUR website is “really” all about.
I say better to avoid the remarks that cause the “appearance”
of being offensive, and come up with an alternative.
One person CAN make a difference exponentially in your
overall marketing efforts.
Something to think about….
Hope this helps!
Ken
P.S. If I win your contest, please donate it to the United Way as
an anonymous donation.
September 15th, 2007 at 5:47 pm
Dear It,
I have been thinking about you most of the day since our last correspondence and have not heard from you. I feel compelled to contact you once more out of concern.
You said “Though I’m NOT a little person in any way shape or form”.
Do you realize you are doing the very thing you despise. You discriminating against skinny people.
As spokesman for skinny people everywhere, I am at liberty to say, I can’t tell your head from your tail either.
Very offender.
DealDotCom Support
September 15th, 2007 at 5:50 pm
Ken, (post above)
I wouldn’t worry too much about winning.
Our suggestion is to relax and learn how to have fun.
Back to your cage!
[]
September 15th, 2007 at 6:02 pm
Dear “To Whom It May Concern,”
In response to your email, you are absolutely right and we are very sorry we offended you.
In our business, as I am sure you know, all people contribute to building a solid foundation for our success. Therefore, we are always trying to improve our marketing strategies and as such, we are more than grateful for any and all feedback we receive, good or bad.
As I am sure you can understand, we are constantly busy in our attempt to provide the best deals for “all people” and in our haste we failed to foresee what impact some of our marketing language might have on those we are seeking to serve. Thus again, please accept our sincerest apology.
We appreciate your insight and we hate to see you go as we could really use people like you on our team. This way, if we ever make this mistake again, we know we will have someone, like you, out there that will catch it before it has the chance to have a negative impact on our marketing efforts and subsequently on our business overall.
Per your request we have, albeit reluctantly, removed you from our mailing list and database; however if you happen to change your mind, please let us know as the door is always open.
Again, thank you for your valuable feedback – we appreciate it!
Sincerely,
DealDotCom Marketing Team
September 15th, 2007 at 6:46 pm
Dear Concerned:
“I am very offender by your language about people.”
I am a Punctuation Lawyer and have been retained by the letter “R” (both the Capital of R and the lower case “r”). My clients feel they have been misrepresented in your email and are offended that you would use their likeness instead of the intended neighboring letter “D” (also a client, by the way, who may also have an official complaint to file).
While we prepare the full legal documentation we would kindly ask that you stop using the letter “R” and in fact would like you to remove the “R” key from your keyboard until further notice.
I will also be filing a report with the QWERTY Foundation about this misrepresentation as it is an obvious direct violation of the terms.
Thank you for your time:
Law Offices of Minion & Associates
CC: R
CC: r
CC: D
September 15th, 2007 at 9:05 pm
My votes for jesterfx. This one is good.
September 15th, 2007 at 11:59 pm
Dear concerned,
You are absolutely correct in your assessment!
We apologize for being demeaning. You are obviously a bigger person than we originally thought from your words here:
“meaning those more unfortunate than myself.”
We were thinking you could actually help us out by clearing something up with us. It would indeed make us better people, and help us aquire better business skills. This way we can clear up any other demeaning complaints.
It always helps to get a customers point of view right?
BUT, beings how we like to please our customers, we already abided by your wishes and deleted you from our databases.
By the way, we have a free gift for you for all the heartache we caused you.
It is a white swaetshirt with a BMW logo printed across the front. It will be shipped out express mail and should arrive first thing in the morning.
By all means, wear it proudly and in good health.
Warmest regards,
DealDotCom
September 16th, 2007 at 12:02 am
second that vote: FOR jesterfx.
signed the letter J
September 16th, 2007 at 2:24 pm
…and by popular vote, the winner is…
jesterfx
Jesterfx - in the next couple days you’ll receive your gift certificate.
Great job everyone!
September 16th, 2007 at 4:06 pm
No runner up?
No runner down? No nuttin?
I didn’t want to work in this rat hole anyway!
Cheese sandwiches for lunch! What a joke!
FYI, I have a degree in broomology and a minor in wheel barrel operation. I can hang with the best of them. You will never know how clean this place could have really been.
I am truly offender!
hmmm
September 16th, 2007 at 7:16 pm
Wow Awesome! And I was worried because I was too broke to be able to buy the opening night product lol.
Thanks for choosing me and thanks much to the others that “nominated” me! There were quite a few funny ones posted.
Can’t wait until Tuesday for the grand opening!!!
September 16th, 2007 at 11:47 pm
“FYI, I have a degree in broomology and a minor in wheel barrel operation”
I would have tried to get my degree also but was put off track as a young boy when my mother yelled out the back door and said..
“Ricky!! Get away from that wheel barrow, you know you dont know nothing about machinery
September 17th, 2007 at 8:36 am
Response from:’To Whom It may Concern’,
While respecting your sensitivity, and perception to the universal term ‘little people’ please bear in mind that had we used the term ‘big people’ we would of had a much smaller response.
There seems to be more ‘little people’ in the world than ‘big ones’.
Your interpertation of ‘little’ is of a lesser value than ours is. We see ‘little people’ as the humbler, team workers in the vast ocean of life.The ‘little people’ for us are the workers, the ones that make things happen, the backbone of any project or goal.
For us, they are the life blood of our company.
They are our treasure.
And depending upon your belief system, maybe elves want to join us! Their ‘little people’ as well.
You have been removed from our database by your request.
Have a good day.
To whom It May Concern
September 17th, 2007 at 11:43 am
Mr Carter,
I totally understand your mothers position.
Wheel barrel operation is not to be taken lightly. Do you realize how many toes are run over each year by wheel barrels?
I don’t know for sure, but am quite certain it is more than humans who are eaten whole by sharks.
Listen to your mother.
Jester, after much lost sleep and a night spent in jail, I would like to congratulate you on both of your post to win this job. I am unsure which of your submissions actually won, but since you are down on your luck cash wise, I am happy for you.
As for me, I have a fresh load of crystaline gravel on the way and I am thankful I already have a months supply of porknbeans waiting for me in the fridge. All is well.
Wish you were here!
mmm hmmm
September 18th, 2007 at 9:10 am
Jesus is my Lord and Savior. How about you?
September 22nd, 2007 at 2:05 am
Wow, great responce jesterfix!